I was holding our almost 5 year old Sunday during worship, singing while he wrapped his legs around me like the little monkey he sometimes is, this time with his head on my shoulders, still, probably tired from a busy weekend, and the thought hit me: Sometime soon, I’ll hold him like this and it will be the last time I ever pick him up. Someday, though it was so hard to believe when he was a frail little thing, he’ll be bigger than ME.
That day seemed too far from the horizon of reality for me to believe it then, but now it’s in the distance. I can see it. And it makes me scared, excited, sad and ecstatic all at the same time. As a mother, we spend our lives working ourselves out of a job. The ultimate goal is the independence of our kids, right? We want them to leave us knowing what it takes to be a productive and caring member of society… but as it happens, well, it hits me. They leave.
I know, my kids are little still, but I see God’s grace in giving me a glimpse of this NOW, so I can work to be more present; to see what they need to know and figure out ways to teach it to them. Going from the baby stage to the school age stage of parenting has been a transition for me; but it’s shown me that it’s okay to let go. It’s actually enhanced the relationship I have with my children. It has new nuances, new corners to explore, and I’m enjoying it. I just don’t want to take it for granted. I took a LOT of the baby stage for granted.
I want to notice every time I pick my kids up, every game we play, every nuance of childhood, and soak it all in.
Courtney. I love this post. Needed to read every word of it. I’m with you on wanting to soak it all in. At each one of Titus’ Birthdays Vernon tells me how much longer Titus will be in the house. When Titus turned 6 Vernon announced that Titus was 1/3 of the way done with his time in our home….my heart dropped.
Thanks for writing this!
-A
Ha! Adam does the same thing! When Honor just turned eight, he reminded that she’s almost halfway there.
I told him all of this yesterday and he joked, ‘Do I need to get you that book where the mom sneaks in her grown son’s room and rocks him in his sleep?’ That book kind of creeps me out.
I want to NOTICE that they’re growing, not stop them from it. But it IS bittersweet.